The milk sits out – again. The clothes are scattered across the bathroom floor – again. The online grade book displays a zero – again.

It’s frustrating because you know the things your tween/teen is choosing to neglect will always be a normal part of a human being’s daily responsibilities: your kids will forever have to pick up after themselves, complete work for their career, and file their taxes. It’s important they learn to complete responsibilities even when they don’t feel like it now. Grit is a valuable life-skill.

Yet, in trying to teach this, you hate how much it feels like you’re fussing at your tween/teen. And you see your child not responding – the approach isn’t working.

I hear you. I’ve been there too.

I had such a discouraging parenting season with my middle schooler, I checked out a stack of parenting books and plowed through. My solution ended up being super simple. I’ll save you the reading...

RECOGNIZE THE ROOT OF THE CONFLICT

It wasn’t that my 13yo didn’t know what to do, but rather, that we were like passing ships when it came to me sharing daily expectations and my teen expressing what best sets him up for success. We needed to figure out a better way to communicate.

OPERATE FROM A PLACE OF HOPE

Also, I needed to adjust my attitude. Before I even approached my teen, I reflected on what I know from 20+ years of teaching high school: teens want to thrive. They do. 100%. They just can get lost in peer pressure and hormones and impulsive decisions and procrastination and shutting down. I knew my son wanted to succeed, so I shifted my temperament and chose to operate from a place of hope.

TRY A NEW APPROACH TO COMMUNICATION

My son and I agreed that things needed to change, already a hopeful start. So, I asked him to list his daily responsibilities. We examined his agenda and made some adjustments. We then decided our communication would be through the list: he checks off the tasks as he completes them and that’s how I see his progress. We’d discuss any issues at the end of the day. One time. That’s it. We’d set up a routine, boundaries, and a new form of communication - things were already looking up.

HONOR THE BOUNDARIES YOU JUST SET UP – STICK TO THEM USING REALITY CONSEQUENCES

And because I really needed this checklist to work, I listened to what the parenting books[1] said about the importance of setting up routines and boundaries, then honoring them by sticking to them. You hold those boundaries using what Dr. Henry Could and Dr. John Townsend call “reality consequences.” (Boundaries with Kids, page 58)

This means, that I needed to use the logical consequences that result from my child’s actions to help him learn about the realities of life. In “real life,” choices we make don’t come without some sort of outcome, whether the result serves us well or does not serve us well. For example, if I’m kind to the people in my life, I end up with some really great friendships – a choice with an outcome that serves me well. If I don’t switch my laundry, I end up with moldy clothes – a choice with an outcome that doesn't serve me well.

It’s not about trying to turn my teen into a robot, but rather help him understand the realities of life and control he has over many of his choices and outcomes. If my son peers out his window before school, he can see the line of cars driving past filled with people on their way to work. If those employees consistently choose to do their jobs well, they get a paycheck in the bank – an outcome that serves them well. Of course, the reality of continually choosing to skip work would be losing that job and paycheck – an outcome that does not serve them well.

So, we decided (him unenthusiastically) that just like all those workers he daily watched drive by, he needed to finish his checklist before he got to play his video games, something that highly motivates him. If the checklist wasn’t done, I wasn’t going to get mad about it – I’d simply hang onto his gaming devices, and we’d try again tomorrow. Then, we did our best to stick like glue to that routine allowing him to be in control of if his choices and their outcomes served him well or not.

(Side note: I’m not a fan of taking away activities that surround him with positive peers like co-curricular activities or youth group.)

THE CHECKLIST GIVES YOUR TEEN CONTROL

By the end of week one of the checklist, I could already see a noteworthy improvement. I had stepped back and tried hard to hold my tongue, while he stepped up and got through the list his way. I could see that with this new strategy, he felt more in control. Was it perfect? No part of raising kids is flawless, and yes, I had to let some things go, but we both liked this framework of routine and communication.

BE CONSISTENT

We know how hard consistency can be in parenting; however, I found checking in once at the end of the day much more manageable (and enjoyable) than asking 1.1 million times if that flip grid for band got turned in.

DO WE DO THIS FOREVER?

Please, no - just to get over the hump. The goal is always to raise independent teens.

PRAISE YOUR TEEN’S EFFORTS BIG-TIME!

And then this is the best part: we praise our teens a ton. We notice all the effort they are putting in and tell them so, as much as possible. Ignore the eye roll, they are letting it soak in. They crave words of affirmation like we all crave chocolate cake.

SAVE TIME - GRAB THE CHECKLIST HERE

Mom-friend, because I know how valuable your time is, I made a downloadable checklist for you. The checklist covers the basics in:

-->Morning routine, including making sure everything is ready for the day

-->School routine, including verifying assignments are done

-->Other healthy habits, like exercise and reading and being creative

-->Picking up and helping around the house

It’s a one-page, printable is with realistic, healthy, and manageable expectations for tweens/teens. It’s also in word document form so you can tweak it to fit your child exactly. (This is a digital copy only. You will NOT get a hard copy in the mail.)

WHAT YOU GET WITH YOUR PURCHASE:

--> Word document daily expectations checklist. You can edit this to meet your family's needs.

--> Daily expectations guide for parents to read before setting up this checklist. It's called Empowered Your Tweens and Teens to Embrace Healthy Habits. (9 page PDF)

MOMMA, YOU’RE DOING A GREAT JOB RAISING YOUR TWEENS AND TEENS

We all know there’s no magic formula to raising tweens and teens, and sometimes kids just make poor choices despite our best parenting efforts. But we also know that hearing each other’s stories of tangible ways we found a parenting win can be a great starting place when we’re trying to nail down our own solution.

Maybe this checklist solution will land your family at the end of the rainbow. Or perhaps it won’t...yet an introduction to the idea might spark a conversation where your teen eventually says, “Mom, I have an idea that I think will motivate me better than the checklist...”

And that’s a win for everyone.